Yesterday I found myself, on the date of our ending ceremony and graduation of my year long Level 3 LightSong class. Resistance was showing up strong. Part of me wanted to know why and the other part wanted to set myself free. Let it pour out of me, not caring where its from.
Driving the 20 mins to class I plugged my phone in and turned up the volume to Nako’s “Dragonfly” song… I sang along with him, “I survive, I survive… this is resistance.”
This song gives my heart a sense of freedom, when I am seeking the weight of the world be lifted from my shoulders and my heart. Its not the words he sings, but the bubbling brook of rhythm, the birds, the sound of his raw voice, that carries me above the densities of the Earth.
Going to class seemed like the last thing I wanted to do. I felt done. I had worked hard. I felt complete in most ways and I felt like I was ready to move on, to rest. But I am stopping in this moment to questions that feeling of “on to the next thing”. I questions is that an untruth? Is that part of this illusion that we can concur it all? That we win in the end, so we must keep heading for the finish line? Because we are on a mission, gosh darn it! Its personal. We got to make it happen. And we cross the finish line alone right?
No, dear Amber Jane, we are in community. A global one or a local one. Today, its a local one.
We are taught to think as an individual. We are taught the lie that we don’t need others. We are taught to value winning and that there is one winner over all. We are taught that others pull us down, hinder us, make it too complicated. This part of our cultural programming excludes our Spirits natural attraction, might I say longing, to working together, growing together, be of service and receiving the support, love belonging and validation we all need. This type of thought also moves us on to the next thing too concur quickly. It suspends celebration. This lack of value in celebration, ceremony, ritual or taking the time to have closure is robbing us from the rich soil of life, of community, of humanity. Rarely do we experience ending ceremonies in our life events, little or profound. In many programs and gatherings I have attended I see the lack of ability, knowledge or practice to offer closure in a good way even when it is wanted and tried for. We must slow, take the time, and learn this for ourselves and eachother - our culture does not teach it well.
On my way to the last class I shed tears, I feeling a deep sense of release. The end of something beautiful; That has been meaningful and caring, a place created for me to be held in a sacred and special way, so I could expand and grow, to learn and to renew. To become more of who I really am. For the past 12 months!
My tears seemed more about saying yes to me. That I would, no matter what, keep pushing my upper limits. Yes!, to taking the time and being present, receiving and saying goodbye in a good way. There are so many times that we say no to ourselves. That we limit ourselves from the experiences that we seek. Love, belonging, specialness, honoring. I believe that part of the discomfort or tears that I shed is simply because I am going against the grain...Again. When I listen to the calling of my heart and step out of the crowd, When I gather with like minded people who are intending to bring goodness the world, the programing starts its resistance. It takes effort to push away from the pulling, the magnetism of my cultural values. Can you relate? What is that force that pulls you back into normalcy?
The programming that we grow up with has such a pull on us, like a magnet drawing us back to itself. When we decide to think for ourselves, feel for ourselves or blaze a new path we are working against the natural laws of our foundation. The foundation of how we have been taught to think, taught to judge, taught to live, taught to be.
As streaks streamed down my cheeks, a certain phrase in my mind started to loop. “I am not going to fix the world. I am only able to add to the goodness.” I started to cry even harder. My heart aced because I have believed that I could fix it. And that in my life I would see this “fixing”. I light up when think/believe that I can make it work, I can make it better, I can heal whatever needs healing! Its like a HOPE super power. Hope to the 100th power.
I think many of us also feel like they are here to fix the world. That they are here to save the world and heal the world and make a huge difference. And when we think this way - Hope can be lost, we can drowned in the tears of how big and unjust it all is. And we can crumble under the weight of it all.
I wonder if this is a hidden message in our programing? A whisper that we can be the hero we see on the screen. An illusion that we can fix it. Because when one of us tries to take on the ALL is burns our light out too quickly.
I believe my tears were unraveling the attachment to this programing. My tears were letting go of the Hero, the Ego. Letting go of the endless yearning and the fragile wish that in my lifetime I would be able to fix the wrongs in the world. The truth, for now anyway, is that I may live to 100 years, and in that time I will see some change and yet there will be some I wrongs that are not righted.
Today I know I must let myself off the hook… I will not fix this world. I admit this to myself, as to not completely lose my ability to hope. I allow this moment of sadness to flow through me for it is my innocence’s pain for she knows its time to allow the visionary to grow up.
There is a grown woman now, that part of me, who is ready to get to work. She is kissing the four head of this innocent child inside of me and sending her back to the field of daisies to kindle the light of hope under the blues skye while the birds and butterfly alight. This older self is going to enter the trenches. But not to win, not to fix it, not to make it right. (I think I've spent too many lifetimes on that mission.) This time I feel I know that the goodness that I give out to the world by simply being more of myself, standing in my power, loving from the knowing that we are all in it together is what will contribute to making a difference. I feel I must believe that it is simply a matter of accumulation that will change our world to better. As more of us step into the light, shine that goodness, rebalance the scales, then our culture, our world, our spiritual evolution will become healthy, vibrant and joy filled.
Through the blurry vision of my emotions I drove myself to our last ceremony. My teacher, Karen, greeted me with hug and said thank you for working through the struggle to get here. There was a moment I cried in Circle as I sat and saw my fellow students. I allowed myself to be true to the moment, let my tears flow and knew that they were welcomed and no one tried to fix it.
As ceremony unfolded, gratitude filled my heart. This was exactly what I needed, where I needed to be. I did need to see the faces of people making beautiful contributions to the goodness in their world as well as the world around them. I did need closure. I did need to hear the conversations that happen at the end of something beautiful and big. I needed to hug everyone one last time and I needed to honor that this chapter has been written and a new chapter was waiting. In the last moments we held hands, we were given roses and we were looked in the eye and told “Thank You - For you make a difference”.
Everyone is deserving of this validation at the end of your personal growth. Because of you the scales will tip. When you show up for the inner work, so that you can show up for the outer work, you are what we have been waiting for!